Egyptian Viagra

An American tourist takes his wife for vacation in Egypt. During their travels through Cairo they wonder through a street market, where a local merchant offers the American some Viagra - illegal in Egypt - for $100 a pill.

"A hundred dollars???", says the American incredulously. "You've got to be kidding me. No way. It's not worth it."

"I will sell it to you for $50", says the merchant.

"It's not worth it. Thanks but no thanks", says the American.

"OK, OK. I give you good price. I will sell it to you for $25", says the merchant.

"No. It's not worth it. But, thank you for being persistent", says the American.

"Wait!" says the merchant. "I'll sell it for $10! It must be worth $10!!!"

"Well", says the American, "it's a very good price, I'm sure. But it's my wife that's not worth it...."

Three British Ladies

Three British ladies meet at the Savoy Hotel for high tea. Their gossip soon turns to the subject of their husbands...

The first lady said: "Last week, I found pornographic DVDs in my husband's drawers... I nearly fainted!"

The second lady said: "Well, I found condoms in my husband's briefcase..."

"What did you do??", asked the two lady friends.

"Well, I took a needle and put holes in all of them", she answered.

And the third lady fainted...

Memorial Stone

Sam died. His will provided $50,000 for his elaborate funeral. As the last attendees left, Sam's wife Rose turned to her oldest friend Sadie and said, "Well, I'm sure Sam would be pleased."

"I'm sure you're right," replied Sadie, who leaned in close and lowered her voice to a whisper. "Tell me, how much did it really cost?"

"All of it," said Rose. "Fifty Grand."

"No!" Sadie exclaimed. "I mean, it was very nice, but really...$50,000?"

Rose nodded. "The funeral was $6,500. I donated $500 to the Shul for the Rabbi's services. The Shiva food and drinks were another $500. The rest went for the memorial stone."

Sadie computed quickly: "$42,500 for a memorial stone? Oy vey, how big is it?

"Five and a half carats."

The Frog

A woman went into a store to buy her husband a pet for his birthday. After looking around, she found that all the pets were very expensive. She told the clerk she wanted to buy a pet, but she didn't want to spend a fortune.

"Well," said the clerk, "I have a very large bullfrog. They say it's been trained to give blow jobs!"

"Blow jobs!" the woman replied.

"It hasn't been proven but we've sold 30 of them this month," he said.

The woman thought it would be a great gag gift, and what if it's true...no more blow jobs for her! She bought the frog. When she explained Froggy's ability to her husband, he was extremely skeptical and laughed it off. The woman went to bed happy, thinking she may never need to perform this less than riveting act again.

In the middle of the night, she was awakened by the noise of pots and pans flying everywhere, making hellacious banging and crashing sounds. She ran downstairs to the kitchen, only to find her husband and the frog reading cookbooks.

"What are you two doing at this hour?" she asked. The husband replied,

"If I can teach this frog to cook, your ass is gone!"

Lies, Lies, Lies

A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.

He asked, "What are all those clocks?"

St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move."

"Oh," said the man, "whose clock is that?"

"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie."

"Incredible," said the man. "And whose clock is that one?"

St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life."

"Where's President Bush's clock?" asked the man.

"Bush's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan..."

Good Family

In a small town, the Rabbi died. His widow, the Rebbetzin, was so disconsolate that the people of the town decided that she ought to get married again. But the town was so small that the only eligible bachelor was the town butcher. The poor Rebbetzin was somewhat dismayed because she had been wed to a scholar, and the butcher had no great formal education. However, she did not want to stay lonely for the rest of her life, so she agreed, and they were married.

After the marriage she went to the mikvah (a Jewish ritual bath to get rid of impurities). Then she went home to prepare to light candles.

The butcher leaned over to her and said, "My mother told me that after the mikvah and before lighting the candles, it's good to have sex." So they did.

Then she lit the candles. He leaned over again and said, "My father told me that after lighting the candles it's good to have sex." So they did.

They went to bed after saying their prayers. When they awoke he said to her, "My grandmother said that before you go to the synagogue it's good to have sex." So they did.

After praying all morning, they came home to rest, and again he whispers in her ear, "My grandfather says after praying it's good to have sex." So they did.

On Sunday she went out to shop for food and met a friend who asked, "So how is
the new husband?"

She replied, "Well, he is no scholar, but he comes from a wonderful family."

Little Red Riding Hood

Little Red Riding Hood visits her grandmother one day. She asks, “Grandma, grandma! Why do you have such a big mouth?”

And Granny answers, “Girl, have you seen your grandfather’s dick?

Neighborhood Barber

A guy walks into his neighborhood barbershop and asks the barber, “When can you take me?”

The barber looks around the shop, counting the customers already waiting there and finally tells the man to come back in about two hours.

“OK!” says the guy, and walks out of the shop.

The next day the same gentleman walks into the barbershop and again asks the barber, “When can you cut my hair?”

The barber checks the shop again and tells the man to come back in one and a half hours. And again the man leaves the shop and does not return for the appointment. This goes on for a month until one day the barber tells his friend “Man, this guy is really weird. Every day he comes in, asks when I’m free to cut his hair, and after I tell him he leaves and doesn’t come back. I’m curious. Can you follow him and see where he goes?”

After an hour the barber’s friend returns almost bursting with laughter.

“So, where does he go?” asks the barber.

And the friend says, “To see your wife!”

For Old Time's Sake

An old married couple went out for a walk around town and ended up in the place where they first made love.

Suddenly, the husband turns to his wife: "You remember how we did it here against the fence?"

"How could I forget?" answers the wife.

"Should we do it again, you know, for old time's sake?" asks the husband.

The wife shrugs. "Sure, why not?"

So, the husband takes her in his arms, and swings her around so her back is against the fence. He starts working at it just like when they were teenagers. And, surprisingly, his wife starts getting into it like never before. She’s moaning wildly and goes into one orgasmic spasm after another. The husband feels invigorated, like a young man again after all these years. He didn't realize he still had it in him.

He pauses to savor the moment and says to his wife, "Whoa, baby, you're a better lay today than when you were at 18!"

"Well, darling, the fence wasn't electrified back then..."

Dear Dad

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to 'Dad.' With the worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the letter.

Dear Dad:

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you. I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice.

But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercings, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact t hat she is much older than I am.

But it's not only the passion...Dad she's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.

Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy. In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better. She deserves it. Don't worry Dad. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren.

Love,
Your Son John

PS. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house.
I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than a report card.
That's in my center desk drawer.

I love you.
Call me when it's safe to come home

A Kick In The Ass

Dan Rather, Katie Couric, and an Israeli sergeant were all captured by terrorists in Iraq. The leader of the terrorists told them he would grant them each one last request before they were beheaded.

Dan Rather said, 'I'm a Texan, so I'd like one last bowlful of hot spicy chili.' The leader nodded to an underling who returned with chili. Rather ate it all and said, 'Now I can die content.'

Katie Couric said, 'I'm a reporter to the end. I want to take my tape recorder, then describe the scene here and what's about to happen. Maybe someone will hear it and know I was on the job till the end.' The leader directed an aide to hand over the tape recorder, and Couric dictated some comments, then said, 'Now I can die happy.'

The leader turned and said, 'And now, Mr. Israeli tough guy, what is your final wish?'

'Kick me in the ass,' said the soldier.

'What?' asked the leader? 'Will you mock us in your last hour?'

'No, I'm not kidding. I want you to kick me in the ass,' insisted the Israeli.

So the leader shoved him into the clearing and kicked him in the ass. The soldier was sent sprawling, but rolled to his knees, pulled a 9 mm pistol from under his flack jacket, and shot the leader dead. In the resulting confusion, he jumped to his knapsack, pulled out his carbine and sprayed the rest of the terrorists with gunfire. In a flash, all terrorists were either dead or fleeing for their lives.

As the soldier was untying Rather and Couric, they asked him, 'Why didn't you just shoot them in the beginning? Why did you ask them to kick you in the ass first?'

'What?' replied the Israeli, 'And have you two assholes report that I was the aggressor?!'

Airline Food

It was mealtime during a flight on El-Al.

"Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked Moishe, seated in front.

"What are my choices?" Moishe asked

"Yes or no," she replied.

Gotta Love Leftovers

The Internal Revenue sends their auditor (a nasty little man) to audit a synagogue.

The auditor is doing all the checks, and then turns to the Rabbi and says, "I noticed that you buy a lot of candles."

"Yes," answered the Rabbi.

"Well, Rabbi, what do you do with the candle drippings?" he asked.

"A good question," noted the Rabbi. "We actually save them up. When we have enough, we send them back to the candle maker. And every now and then, they send us a free box of candles."

"Oh," replied the auditor somewhat disappointed that his question actually had a practical answer. So he thought he'd try another question, in his obnoxious way...

"Rabbi, what about all these matzo purchases? What do you do... with the crumbs from the matzo?"

"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi calmly, "we actually collect up the crumbs, we send them in a box back to the manufacturer and every now and then, they send a box of matzo balls."

"Oh," replied the auditor, thinking hard how to fluster the Rabbi. "Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the foreskins from the circumcisions? "

"Yes, here too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save up all the foreskins. And when we have enough we actually send them to the Internal Revenue Service."

"Internal Revenue Service?," questioned the auditor in disbelief.

"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, "Internal Revenue Service. And... about once a year, they send us a little prick like you."

Jewish Songs

Two little old ladies had been very long-time close friends. But being old-fashioned, each went to a retirement home of her own respective religion.

It was not long before Mrs. Murphy felt very lonesome for Mrs. Cohen, so one day she asked to be driven to the Jewish Home to visit her old friend.

When she arrived she was greeted with open arms, hugs, and kisses. Mrs. Murphy said "Don't be holdin' back, Mrs. Cohen, how do you like it here?"

Mrs. Cohen went on and on about the wonderful food, the facility and the care takers. Then, with a twinkle in her eye, she said, "But the best thing is that I now have a boyfriend."

Mrs. Murphy said, "Now isn't that wonderful! Tell me all about it."

Mrs. Cohen said, "After lunch we go up to my room and sit on the edge of the bed. I let him touch me on the top, and then on the bottom, and then we sing Jewish songs."

Mrs. Murphy said, "For sure it's a blessing. I'm so glad for you Mrs. Cohen." Mrs. Cohen said, "And how is it with you, Mrs. Murphy?"

Mrs. Murphy said it was also wonderful at her new facility, and that she also had a boyfriend.

Mrs. Cohen said, "Good for you! So what do you do?"

"We also go up to my room after lunch and sit on the edge of the bed. I let him touch me on top, and then I let him touch me down below."

Mrs. Cohen said, "Yes? And then....?"

Mrs. Murphy said, "Well, since we don't know any Jewish songs, we fuck."

Come Again?

A husband looking through the paper came upon a study that said women use more words than men. Excited to prove to his wife his long-held contention that women in general, and his wife in particular, talked too much, he showed her the study results, which stated: "Men use about 15,000 words per day, but women use 30,000."

His wife thought awhile, then finally she said to her husband, "That's because we have to repeat everything we say."

The husband said, "What?"

Row, Row, Row Your Boat

Yeshiva University decided to field a rowing team. Unfortunately, they lose every race. Even though they practice and practice for hours everyday, they never manage to come in any better than dead last.

Finally, the team decides to send Morris Fishbein, its captain, to spy on Harvard, the perennial championship team. So Morris schlepps off to Cambridge and hides in the bushes next to the Charles River , where he carefully watches the Harvard team at its daily practices.

After a week, Morris returns to Yeshiva. "Well, I figured out their secret," he announces.

"What? Tell us! Tell us!" his teammates shout.

"Only one guy should be yelling. The other eight should row."

The Vickar's Chicken

The priest in a small Irish village loved his chickens that he kept in the coop behind the church.

One Sunday morning before mass, he went to feed the birds and discovered that the cock was missing. He knew about the cock fights in the village, so he decided to question his parishioners in church.

During mass, he asked his congregation, "Has anybody got a cock?"
All the men stood up.

"No, no, that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock?"
All the women stood up.

"No, no, that wasn't what I meant either. Has anybody seen a cock that doesn't belong to them?"
Half the women stood up!

"No, no, no, that wasn't what I meant. What I really really mean is, has anybody seen MY cock?"
Sixteen altar boys, two priests and a goat stood up!

L'Chaim, Cheers, Salut

The Italian says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have wine."

The Frenchman says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have cognac."

The Russian says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have vodka."

The German says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have beer."

The Mexican says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have tequila."

The Jew says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have diabetes."

Check, Please!

A visitor to Israel attended a recital and concert at the Moscovitz Auditorium. He was quite impressed with the architecture and the acoustics. He inquired of the tour guide, "Is this magnificent auditorium named after Chaim Moscovitz, the famous Talmudic scholar?"

"No," replied the guide. "It is named after Sam Moscovitz, the writer."

"Never heard of him. What did he write?"

"A check," replied the guide.