Egyptian Viagra

An American tourist takes his wife for vacation in Egypt. During their travels through Cairo they wonder through a street market, where a local merchant offers the American some Viagra - illegal in Egypt - for $100 a pill.

"A hundred dollars???", says the American incredulously. "You've got to be kidding me. No way. It's not worth it."

"I will sell it to you for $50", says the merchant.

"It's not worth it. Thanks but no thanks", says the American.

"OK, OK. I give you good price. I will sell it to you for $25", says the merchant.

"No. It's not worth it. But, thank you for being persistent", says the American.

"Wait!" says the merchant. "I'll sell it for $10! It must be worth $10!!!"

"Well", says the American, "it's a very good price, I'm sure. But it's my wife that's not worth it...."

Three British Ladies

Three British ladies meet at the Savoy Hotel for high tea. Their gossip soon turns to the subject of their husbands...

The first lady said: "Last week, I found pornographic DVDs in my husband's drawers... I nearly fainted!"

The second lady said: "Well, I found condoms in my husband's briefcase..."

"What did you do??", asked the two lady friends.

"Well, I took a needle and put holes in all of them", she answered.

And the third lady fainted...

Memorial Stone

Sam died. His will provided $50,000 for his elaborate funeral. As the last attendees left, Sam's wife Rose turned to her oldest friend Sadie and said, "Well, I'm sure Sam would be pleased."

"I'm sure you're right," replied Sadie, who leaned in close and lowered her voice to a whisper. "Tell me, how much did it really cost?"

"All of it," said Rose. "Fifty Grand."

"No!" Sadie exclaimed. "I mean, it was very nice, but really...$50,000?"

Rose nodded. "The funeral was $6,500. I donated $500 to the Shul for the Rabbi's services. The Shiva food and drinks were another $500. The rest went for the memorial stone."

Sadie computed quickly: "$42,500 for a memorial stone? Oy vey, how big is it?

"Five and a half carats."

The Frog

A woman went into a store to buy her husband a pet for his birthday. After looking around, she found that all the pets were very expensive. She told the clerk she wanted to buy a pet, but she didn't want to spend a fortune.

"Well," said the clerk, "I have a very large bullfrog. They say it's been trained to give blow jobs!"

"Blow jobs!" the woman replied.

"It hasn't been proven but we've sold 30 of them this month," he said.

The woman thought it would be a great gag gift, and what if it's true...no more blow jobs for her! She bought the frog. When she explained Froggy's ability to her husband, he was extremely skeptical and laughed it off. The woman went to bed happy, thinking she may never need to perform this less than riveting act again.

In the middle of the night, she was awakened by the noise of pots and pans flying everywhere, making hellacious banging and crashing sounds. She ran downstairs to the kitchen, only to find her husband and the frog reading cookbooks.

"What are you two doing at this hour?" she asked. The husband replied,

"If I can teach this frog to cook, your ass is gone!"

Lies, Lies, Lies

A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.

He asked, "What are all those clocks?"

St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move."

"Oh," said the man, "whose clock is that?"

"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie."

"Incredible," said the man. "And whose clock is that one?"

St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life."

"Where's President Bush's clock?" asked the man.

"Bush's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan..."

Good Family

In a small town, the Rabbi died. His widow, the Rebbetzin, was so disconsolate that the people of the town decided that she ought to get married again. But the town was so small that the only eligible bachelor was the town butcher. The poor Rebbetzin was somewhat dismayed because she had been wed to a scholar, and the butcher had no great formal education. However, she did not want to stay lonely for the rest of her life, so she agreed, and they were married.

After the marriage she went to the mikvah (a Jewish ritual bath to get rid of impurities). Then she went home to prepare to light candles.

The butcher leaned over to her and said, "My mother told me that after the mikvah and before lighting the candles, it's good to have sex." So they did.

Then she lit the candles. He leaned over again and said, "My father told me that after lighting the candles it's good to have sex." So they did.

They went to bed after saying their prayers. When they awoke he said to her, "My grandmother said that before you go to the synagogue it's good to have sex." So they did.

After praying all morning, they came home to rest, and again he whispers in her ear, "My grandfather says after praying it's good to have sex." So they did.

On Sunday she went out to shop for food and met a friend who asked, "So how is
the new husband?"

She replied, "Well, he is no scholar, but he comes from a wonderful family."

Little Red Riding Hood

Little Red Riding Hood visits her grandmother one day. She asks, “Grandma, grandma! Why do you have such a big mouth?”

And Granny answers, “Girl, have you seen your grandfather’s dick?